Another month cycle bites the dust…

Well…we found out Saturday morning that it didn’t happen this cycle.  I never really felt like I’m great at anything; yea I can crochet and I’m good at it, but I’m not great.  I could probably make a long list of things that I’m good at but not great at – but being mom wasn’t going to be on that list.  I always felt like the one thing I would be good at was being a mom. That I would finally feel like “This is it, this is what I was meant to be”.  I have an awesome mom and I’ve learned so much from her - I feel like if I was even half as awesome as her I’d also be a great mom.  Now I feel like I can’t even get that right. I know this is something beyond my control, but I almost feel like the universe is punishing me for something.  What did I do?!?!

For me, having a baby has been, and will always be, a lifelong dream.  When I was younger I always wanted to be the mommy and loved playing with dolls. My first job was a babysitter because I loved being around kids. I even thought about working at a daycare or becoming a teacher but was told “You don’t want to do that, there’s no money in it”. But now I wonder if I was taken down another path because being around kids day after day might have been unbearable – who knows.

Last week during a casual conversation I was asked that dreaded question for the millionth time and all I wanted to do was scream at the person “WE”RE TRYING!!!!!” but no you can’t do that and I don’t even know this person well enough for them to ask me something like that.  He said well you’ve been married for a while now, what are you waiting for? Really?!? I tell you that to caution you not to be that person, and I can admit before going through all this I was that person.  Now I see how inconsiderate it can be without meaning to be.

Lately it seems like I just keep hearing about people getting pregnant.  Don’t get me wrong: I am so happy that it has happened for them, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say I didn’t hurt inside every time someone new announces a pregnancy or gender reveal .  How is everyone else pregnant right now?  What about me, when is it my turn?

I know God will bless us, but I just wish it was sooner than later.  Not really sure what the next step is…

Praying for Baby B!

Jacki